The Shame, The Horror, The Beach Girlz

I was having a pretty good day yesterday until I hopped over to PopAddicted. They had posted a copy of Brooke Allison’s 2001 debut album. That wasn’t the bad part – that was the amazing part. Brooke is an incredible vocalist, and released that album at 13/14 years old. If you are not familiar, I highly suggest the download (for teen pop fans anyway…this was 2001 we’re talking about). “The Kiss Off (Goodbye)” features a sample from AOL’s “Goodbye” sound clip. “Thought You Might Wanna Know” opens with a killer melismatic riff and includes the word “gigolo” in the chorus. And “Say Goodbye” is just beautiful.

This is the part that made me sad. When I saw Brooke’s picture, it took me back to when I was very young and following her career. I was fairly certain we are about the same age, and after some research this was proved true (she’s a year older than me). I immediately thought: Where is she now?

Here is my answer. She is in a girl group (yay!) that is "pop" (yay!) with two ex members of another guilty pleasure obsession that I discovered this past summer, Soccx, (if you get the chance – download “Addict” and “Scream Out Loud” – AMAZING) (yay!). The group also includes Mandy Jiroux. As in Miley Cyrus’ background dancer/”best friend”/creepy stalker/YouTube webshow co-host. That Mandy Jiroux.

And my dreams of a pop perfection super-group were dealt a crushing blow.

Now – I don’t hate Mandy. I just find her creepy. She is an incredibly talented dancer. But I never pictured her as a singer. At all. And the fact that she hangs out with Miley Cyrus, a girl several years her junior, on a border-line unhealthy basis smacks to me of a blatant attempt to use Miley for her own gain.

And this group is proof of this.

I allowed myself a few minutes to recooperate and decided to give these girls a chance. They do have a music MySpace after all. And if 3/5 of the group are amazing, it can’t be that bad, right?

Let me explain to you the horror of this:

The group is called “The Beach Girlz”.

With an effing Z. Didn’t they realize how well this worked for LAX when they changed their name to Kali Girls (funny – they have/had a single called “Beach Girl”)? The momentum of promotion stopped, their MySpace looks like it was created by a 15 year old Photoshop amateur, and there has been no new news since August. Sad indeed, considering how incredible “Forget You” was. That was a good pop song! Do not use “teenie slang” in a band name!

The Beach Girlz take bad to a whole other level. They are attempting to look like they are all "California girls" or rather "girlz". In fact, in almost all of their promotional pictures, they are wearing string bikini tops with some kind of “modest-esque” bottom. Worse yet, the main headline in their promo picture: “featuring Mandy Jiroux From Miley & Mandy!”

::shakes head::

I won’t begrudge them for being sponsored by McDonalds, as I know others will. Lest we forget Destiny’s Child also was sponsored by said brand toward the end of their career together. Hell, UC3, which included one of my loves Tracy Williams (formally of PYT) was sponsored by Hooters for crying out loud. Now, that’s bad.

So aside from the bad setup of their MySpace, there is the music.

There are four song samples on the page. “I Got”’s drums drown out the girls overproduced vocals, and shows this group is already digging on itself too hard. Judging by the amount of plays though – it must be the supposed single? “Unbreakable” opens with a riff by what must be Brooke, and she proves she is the only plausible vocalist that distinguishes itself (and is more proof she should just go it alone again!). “I’m Lovin’ It” attempts to have a tiki type laid back vibe. But I got turned off after the first million “I’m Lovin’ It”. The only interesting track sonically is “I Like It’. And yes, they have songs called both: “I’m Lovin’ It” and “I Like It”. With more beats and stronger vocals, it sounds like it could be something Cherish could have done…as a b-side. But then comes some kind of pseudo rap that rhymes “technotronic” with “Manolo Blahnik” and “hooked on phonics”. ….

My complaint is this is not radio-friendly dancefloor pop, and that is where things are going, at least in the teen pop arena, and that’s definitely what this is. No one else would take this seriously. Also – as a girl group, you have to have some sort of harmony to get any kind of respect from me. I’m sorry. True, Soccx didn’t really have that. But Soccx did have hot beats. Another thing The Beach Girlz lack. I think their biggest problem is lack of a good producer.

Enough of my frustrated ranting. Check out the disaster yourself: http://www.myspace.com/thebeachgirlzmusic

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